I'm feeling very slackery (is that a word???) with my blog. I have good reasons to have been so absent the last month or so, but in all honesty, I've also been avoiding blogging.
I got an iPad2 a little while back. I love it! But, for some reason I can't figure out (so if you're reading this and you know how to solve my dilemma, please share!), I can type in the subject area of my blog, but when it comes to actually typing text, it won't allow me. Kinda strange. So the iPad has solved my ridiculous internet and computer problems, but has created a blogging problem...
Lots has changed since I last posted and I'm not sure how to delve into it or if I really even want to. There's so much backstory that I haven't shared on here, in a desire to protect our privacy and, well, frankly because it isn't everyone's business. But, without the backstory the last month or so doesn't make a lot of sense. Hmmmmm.....I guess I'll just give ya'll the nutshell version of things and if you want to know more, email or call me!
A little while back it became apparent to me that Jeremy and I could no longer be together. The emotional/mental/spiritual rollercoaster of PTSD, TBI, and Bi-Polar Disorder were too much. It seemed no matter what I did to try to help him get better, it wasn't enough and he would just crash again. Each time he crashed, we all went down with him. I was exhausted to the soul. Taking care of 2 little kids, and trying to care for and do what was best for Jeremy, but never reaching a stable or healthy place, became too much for me. I decided that the best thing for all of us was for Jeremy and I to separate. It was a gut wrenching, heart-breaking decision. I didn't enter into marriage thinking of it being anything other than "'til death do us part." But, once I decided to file for separation (and through the whole process), I have known with every ounce of my being that it was the best thing for everyone.
Ironically (which I say, but I don't really believe there's anything truly "ironic" about it), once I made that decision Jeremy started getting better. He was with his mom and other family and friends in Indiana for about 4 months. During that time, he made a lot of progress in getting himself healthy. He's been back here for about 6 weeks, and continues to do well. He's volunteering at our local zoo 5 mornings a week and seems to really enjoy it; he has adopted a dog; he comes to hang-out with/watch the kids several afternoons a week; he's found a church he likes and he takes one or both kids with him each week.
What I have come to realize is that Jeremy was never going to get better as long as I was in his life. He didn't have to. I would make the phone calls to doctors and different treatment programs. I would make sure he was awake to go to his appointments. I would remind (or nag) him to eat better, get exercise, take his meds. Basically, he didn't have to get better or do anything because I would do it for him.
I don't know what that means for our future. Frankly, it doesn't matter. When I decided to leave all I cared about was making a healthy and stable life for all of us. I think we're all finding it now.
To that end, the kids and I moved a couple weeks ago. My parents were generous enough to buy a little house for us (I will buy it from them as soon as I can figure out what I'm going to do for a job and that sort of thing). Thanks to the help of a lot of family and friends, we've been able to settle in pretty quickly (read: there are no boxes left to unpack and only a few decor sorts of things left to do). The kids seem to like their new house just fine. Kyra is sleeping MUCH better now than she has in over a year (yea!!!!!); and Liam finds new things to climb and get into on a daily basis.
If you want more backstory, want our new address, or whatever, feel free to email me!
I'm going to try to get some recent pics up soon. The memory card on my camera is full. But, Kyra got a cute haircut a couple weeks ago that I need to post pics of and Liam's hair has finally grown out from that ultra-short cut he got 3 months ago!
